To Penny, the writer of Redwood Spirit

Yur fanfic is really good!I love the plot and get super excited when July gets page time. She’s definitely a character I love—not very many people wrote with Raptors as nice characters!

Very straightforward tho. Kind of hard to focus with it all jumbled up. I like it a lot, but I feel like Xavier should have got a little more sorry (and suspicion) before he was b r u t a l y murdered.

It would be way more enticing if you wrote like this.

“WHAT DO YOU WHAT?” Xavier shouted, covering his son with his wings.

The Thylacoleo pounced onto the nearest branch, scowling at him. “Revenge,” he snarled.

The Thylacoleo roared and leapt towards him, his claws outstretched. Xavier spread his wings to lift off—

but it was too late.

the carnivore opened his jaws and snapped them shut around his waste.

Xavier let out a shuddering gasp.

Blood spurted acrossed the nest.

It would have been nice if we’d got to know the father a little bit more. I haven’t read all the chapters but—the father would have killed Aki? I don’t see why—a little backstory of the father or more time with the mother in the nest might have helped readers understand “OH, that’s why he said THAT OR ACTED LIKE THIS,”

also, paragraphs help a lot. Present tense is ok, but past tense is more helpful to the reader.

And last, the Mother totally didn’t have any grief really for her husband. And immediately just believed the Thylacoleo instead of denial or anger. I’ve experienced grief myself, so the five stages of grief are very quick to remember.

This sorry is very good—the writing is all I’m saying needs improvement 👍

The way sentences work:

“Of course not,” said Lily. “I totally understand.”

*

“How dare you!” Ajar cried.

*

Allen froze, struck by that thought. “Oh—that’s alright… I guess.”

*

“We,” Zoe whispered, grinning mischievously in the darkness, “are going adventuring.”

*

“Blah blah blah—Ack!” Ebony jumped back as a bucket of water was flung her way. “What was that for?”

“For my amusement,” Kixx said with a smile.

Love yur fanfic!

😄 -Moon