Welcome back to Lamp News, and today terrible things have happened, well maybe terrible. So, let’s start with the first few topics which are good things!
Grounded Hot and Hazy update releases on the 20th, and it’s the 19th! You know what that means!
Apex has returned! And this time, he hasn’t committed any crimes yet, but he’s excited to see “The Apex Predator” in theaters on the October 25th!
Well, those are some good topics! Now, here’s an ad!
(Ad) Are you tired of playing with modern day play sets, and want something ancient and unique? Well, why don’t you look at our new toy, “Egypt!” Includes pyramids, Egyptians, shrines, and a few pharaohs like khufu!
Now, for the bad topics.
A murder has been reported, and it seems the victim’s home was burnt down! Who could it have been? Well, we found a clip from a security camera that didn’t burn somehow, but here’s the clip.
(The clip would show HJK with a flamethrower burning the house and breaking in, and then screams and eventually silence)
Oh my! It looks like the suspect is HJK, maybe he should be held in custody by the police until further notice!
And the last bad topic we have, is that someone has threatened to kill me! I was sent a letter, with my full address and information, including the three numbers on the back of my credit card! It was signed “-Crow” who could that be? If Crow kills me, there won’t be any more Lamp News!
Well, that’s everything Folks! Except for moths and monkeys, along with an ad.
(Ad) Tired of stupid Dodo Flakes? Well, we agree! We’ve made something unique, “Dinosaur vegetables” which are vegetables in the shape of dinosaurs! Who wouldn’t want these? Buy now for 9.99, cost may vary depending on vegetable.
Well, time for moths and monkeys!
“Here, we have orangus, the orangutang! Let’s see what he has to say!”
“OO AA OOOOOO AAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA”
“He seems to want a banana! Let’s give him a few bananas!”
Well, that’s everything! And remeber, Lamp News is the SUPERIOIR news, HJK news, SN, Nergal news, and every other news outlet will NEVER compare!
Welcome to our news station, this is Lamp News your hearing from.
Apex is nowhere to be seen, so maybe he’s unconscious or hibernating for a few years or something similar. Just don’t expect him to be gone, he’ll return to commit Arson, Shoplifting, Murder, War Crimes, and more! (Whispering) why did I say that so enthusiastically?
We’ve also got news of Grounded’s “Hot and Hazy” update! Go check it out, we aren’t allowed to say anything else besides that and that it’s releasing October 19th!
When will Silksong release? I have the release date, and it’s 202- never mind.
Well, this wouldn’t be a News Station without ads!
(Ad) Tired of eating the wrong cereal and getting salmo- I mean, stomachache? Well look no further! Flame’s and water, now with wind and earth marshmallows!
(Ad) Come watch “The Apex Predator” in theaters, on October 25th! (Scenes from the movie) “ROAR” “HELP!” Few seconds later… Blood on the ground everywhere.
Rated R for Intense Violence and Strong language.
Well, that’s almost everything we have! Luckily for you, it’s time for “Moths and Monkeys!”
(Moths flying everywhere and monkeys swinging from trees) “Look at the beautiful creatures, such a sight to see moths and monkeys living in peace!
That’s all for today, make sure to tune in next time. And remember, we’re the SUPERIOR News Station, HJK and Shadow News will never compare!