Dododex
ARK: Survival Evolved & Ascended Companion
from Ben
Chapter 29 of Arks Over Heaven has released in Crystal Wyvern Queen 👍. Some very interesting things are being revealed as you read this chapter… So read carefully.
Question of the Day: What’s your favorite ‘ship’ in the stories you’ve read here so far? TTDOT/TTOTSP has got to be Arianna and Aragorn/James, Obelisk I’d go with Orbit and Moonbeam, and yeah I think that’s all I can think of.
No way, no way that that’s the end of TTOTSP!
I had a feeling they would meet Sirens, but I didn’t think it’d get Leah KILLED!
And I don’t know why I feel this way, but I feel like the ending for TTOTSP was a lot more lackluster than TTDOT… I’m not trying to be mean but the impact of Leah’s death didn’t seem that great. It felt too fast and it felt like it didn’t really matter Leah died. But it should matter, because Leah is Tom’s lover and she means so much to him!
I also felt like Cole should have had more emotional impact in this scene where they’re getting married. I noticed that the moment Michael experienced has the same issue as well with conveying emotion. If we want to convey emotion, we should show it through physical actions as that’s what we typically do when we experience emotions.
Ex: If we are happy, we smile. If we are sad, our faces may drop. And if we are angry, we might clench our fists or grit our teeth or furrow our eyebrows or all of the above.
Showing that Cole’s heart filled with anger really shows he’s angry, but not showing actions will make it seem a little silly, and the audience might not take it seriously. I think this moment can be SUPER powerful. After all Cole’s best friend, James decides to just marry her even though he knew he liked her! How could he do something like that, right? What a distasteful man! Ptah!
Finally, the moment Tom transforms into a Krakos. This moment could be SUPER GOOD if just one thing was tweaked, the reason why he is angry.
Here, the Sirens attack the canoes that James, Leah, and Arianna are traveling on. Leah and Arianna are apprehended first because Sirens take the women first because they can break the Siren’s spells. James manages to save Arianna, but not Leah, and she ends up DEAD. Tom ends up in a state of rage and transforms into a Krakos, screaming out James’s name as he believes he is the fault of Leah’s death.
I feel like this doesn’t make too much sense. While James did begin to paddle away and not attempt to save Leah, it was the heat of the moment. Tom has known James all his life, they are twins! Tom, I feel like should be more upset at himself than anything for not being there to help her. I feel like if this scene was changed a little bit to make Tom’s rage more justifiable it would be so much more impactful and we can empathize for Tom more. Now I just feel like… I don’t really care about Leah or Tom’s suffering.
Finally, to wrap it up, I think Tom’s initial reaction to this edited scene should be tweaked just a little bit (but not too much). I think more of the scene should be reflected on his anger before he transforms into a Krakos. From misery because of Leah’s death, transformed into absolute anger. He would scream out at James, “WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP HER?!”, “YOU ABANDONED HER!” “YOU LEFT HER TO DIE!” James tries his best to justify his actions, “I COULDN’T BROTHER I REALLY TRIED!” Tom’s face turns pale, looking at his lover’s lifeless eyes, before he turned up to James and his eyes began to visibly boil with rage. His medallion begins to glow, and James pleads for Tom to stop, it’s going to get him hurt and sick, but Tom doesn’t care. Wordlessly, he begins to slowly transform and twist into that monstrous Krakos. James doesn’t have time to apologize or say goodbye, in a hurry Arianna grabs his arm and ushers him to leave. James, bent on whether he should stay behind to calm his brother down or flee with his lover, decides to do the latter. The two flee via canoe, and James doesn’t turn around, FEARING and GRIEVING for the monster he had created.
I really do not want to be too harsh, but I just REALLY think this chapter should be reworked a little bit. I know that it was near the end of the story, so maybe you were trying your best to rush and churn it out as fast as possible, but I’d advise against it and take your time instead. Making a well constructed ending will be super awesome.
I know you have that collab story you want to work on with Nazgul, maybe you want to work on that as soon as possible, so if you want I can help you edit the story itself and tweak the last few chapters. It’s up to you though. Your story is still super good, you have a huge imagination and lots of creativity. I couldn’t think of half of these things in the story to be in mine.
Just please try not to rush out Chapters of really important chapters like these.
Well, I’ll catch you on the flipside. Stay bright Sunny.